Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Message From Mum

We received this email from a good friend here a few days ago and couldn't wait to share it.  You gotta love British humor!  We love the Queen.  ~ Don~

To the citizens of the United States of America 
from Her Sovereign Majesty 
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect ineffectual Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour,' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of 'ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although, a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you all French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10.  You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football: one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will in time be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

11. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (world dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 

12. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

14. Daily Tea Time  begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

We adore England! We have grown to love the people, the cities and villages, the countryside, British royalty, British accents, British food (mostly), British traditions, and even British quirks. (O.K., we have a few quirks in the U.S., too.) Can't say that we've grown to love the price of petrol or the taste of Marmite, but there's so much else to love here :)

I had an interesting experience while I was driving home last night. I had been at the hospital for about 12 hours with one of our sister missionaries who needed some minor surgery. I had about an hour's drive late at night to get back to the temple grounds, so I turned on a satellite radio station that plays my favorite classical music. Turns out they were doing a tribute to American musical history. I listened to cowboy music, ragtime, etc., and then, without any introduction, they played a rendition of God Bless America with a full choir and orchestra. It made me cry! There I was in the middle of the English countryside singing right along with them at  the top of my lungs. Loved every minute of it. They followed God Bless America with Stars and Stripes Forever by John Phillips Sousa. The radio announcer told a little story about how it is not true that he changed his name so it would mean "So U.S.A."  Fun! Sousa's march was magnificent. It took me right back to the front steps of the Capitol in Washington D.C. where we watched the Army Band perform it several years ago. It took me back to every 4th of July parade and fireworks display I've been to since I was a little girl. I love America!

What I learned last night is that there is plenty of love to go around. Just like your love multiplies with the birth of every new son or daughter (you don't have to split your love between your kids), my love for the nations of the world has multiplied. I love America with all my heart! I love England with all my heart! I love Switzerland and Hungary and Israel and Egypt and Brazil and New Zealand and a lot of other countries, too. There's plenty of love to go around.       ~Pat~

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